It’s time for YOur HUMP DAY HUMP! WOOT!
Dropping this Thursday from Changeling Press, The long awaited sequel to Pink… I give you Gray!
“I am Alothos, God Of Death and Chickens! I have returned!”
“Mmm, yeah, baby. Touch me there!”
“I said, I am Alothos, God Of Death and Chickens! I have returned!”
“God, Pink! Touch me harder! Harder, you big pink fucker! Push a finger in! Eat it till there ain’t no more!”
“I am — for God’s sake, people! Can you stop this office free-for-all fuck and pay attention?”
Cali shot up in her chair, dislodging her lover, who let out a faint, “But I’m still hungry, Cali.” Her fingers left deep grooves in the top of the back support of her plush leather executive chair. She tried to force her eyes to focus somewhere in the vicinity of an annoying sound.
“Cali!” came the complaining voice from underneath her desk. “I was not done yet! I get an hour for lunch, and I still have plenty of cherry flavored whipped cream left! Now spread your legs, Chief, the clock is ticking!”
“Pink,” Cali called, her voice reedy with amazement. “I think you need to see this –”
“But I like the view here.”
A pastel pink head popped up, pushing her chair back even more. His damn near perfect body rose from beneath the desk, placing his lover’s legs back on the arms of the chair.
“Cali!” Pink growled. “I was about to go for the brass ring! And then I was going to rim you before I got my dick all wet with — Sweet Tatiana!”
“Huh?” Cali was still a bit dumbfounded by what she was seeing, so much so that she never even noticed that one breast with its reddened nipple was on display over the top of her most favorite bra — or that the red flavored popsicle Pink was using as a makeshift dildo had fallen to her newly installed extra plush beige carpeting.
“Holy crap!” He gasped.
Holy crap indeed, because there in the middle of Calita’s office was nothing short of a phenomenon of ultra ridiculous reasoning, a disaster of idiotic, universal proportions.
There was a huge stone throne decorated with the yellowing, sun-bleached skulls of the apparently conquered. It stood, cold and massive, radiating nearly visible waves of icy fear. Chained before it, complete with spiked metal collars around their necks, scratching and snorting steam, were two huge, gargoyle-like chickens the size of pit bulls pulling guard duty.
Several tall candelabra surrounded the throne, burning black and purple candles that emitted the smell of lavender and coconut. From somewhere, a low, menacing soundtrack played, adding a touch of the macabre to the gothic scene. And seated on the throne, the likes of which had never been seen by mortal eyes, was — a short, white-haired man with glasses, wearing an Armani business suit and holding a cell phone in one hand.
“Now that I have your attention,” he intoned, a Barry White voice coming from this small, conservatively dressed man, “I am here to inform you I have returned, and I seek what is rightfully mine.”
“Um… who exactly are you?” Cali managed to gasp out, knowing that somehow Pink had to be responsible. Of all the things she had endured since making the acquaintance of her lover, this had to be one of the most absurd and freaky. “Again?”
“Alothos! Alothos! Alothos! God Of Death and Chickens here! Gods, are you people deaf as well as oversexed?”
“Um, sorry?” Cali offered as she dropped her legs and tried to straighten out her skirts. Pink fully emerged from under her desk, his cock still slightly erect and hanging from underneath the folds of his bunched-up lace-and-tulle skirt.
“As you very well should be, human! You’re holding up progress here!”
“Oh!” Pink suddenly clapped. “I remember you! Uncle Al!”
“As you should, little sprite.” The man sighed, running one delicate looking hand through his long white hair. Funny, but that long, oddly colored hair should have made a joke out of that custom-made suit, but it didn’t. The color combination made him look more like a spokesmodel for Calvin Klein’s next strange ad campaign.
“You’re Al! Big Al! Unckie Al! What are you doing here?”
Pink’s wings began to flutter in joy as he bounced in place, his pink eyes shining in delight.
“Pink,” Cali asked, tugging his skirt into place over the relaxing bulge of his dick. “Who exactly is that?”
“This is Uncle Al!” Pink cheered, pointing and making the giant chickens peck and growl in displeasure.
“Al?” Cali asked again, face wrinkled up in confusion.
“Alothos!” the man screamed. “God Of Death and Chickens and about to add impatience and pigs! Don’t you people learn anything in school anymore?”
He rose to his feet, and Cali discovered the man was not only just about her height, but he was possessed of a set of massive purple and white wings and a heart-tipped purple tail that swayed impatiently behind him.
“You guys are all into color coordination,” she mused, rising to her feet, wondering where her thong went. “And I thought I told the rest of your family to make an appointment to see you, Pink. Will these surprise visits never end?”
“Oh,” Pink explained. “Al is not really family, Chief, though he is an uncle to me.”
“God of death and destruction, as if you didn’t hear me the first five times I screamed it!” the man snapped. His eyes, strange, solid black orbs with a purple pupil, narrowed in anger. Small flashes of electricity snapped around him, and the air seemed to still, as if in anticipation of a good slaughter.
“So if he ain’t family, then who is he?” Cali stared at the man, snapping chickens and all, and for the first time felt a small bit of apprehension. She really wished she could find her foundation garments. This was looking more serious than his family’s usual shenanigans.
“He’s Chaos’ betrothed.” Pink bounced faster, sending a faint sprinkling of dust into the air.
“Oh.” Cali slowly shook her head, trying to ignore the headache she could feel brewing. “Okay, so why is he here?”
“Oh.” Pink stopped bouncing and looked over at the irate male. “Why are you here, Uncle Al?”
“About time you remembered me,” the man groused, slumping back into his chair. “And I am here because it is time.”
“Oh,” Pink murmured, and then grinned. “Oh! Great! I love mating!”
“Mating?” Cali snapped. “Who… what the hell is going on?”
“Uncle Al is here to get married!”
“Married?” Calita sank into her seat, oddly enough mimicking Uncle Al in his chair, before opening her drawer to look for her stash of aspirin. “Okay. I can deal with that. Marriage is normal. Who is getting married?”
“Uncle Al!” Pink rolled his eyes. “Weren’t you listening, Cali?”
“Who is he marrying?” Cali snapped, shoving aside some condoms, lube, and several small containers of ginseng as well as several pairs of spare underwear. Great. She needed some. Now if she could discreetly slip a pair on —
“Entropy! Chaos is getting married!” Pink looked exasperated. “I just said that. Listen to me. Entropy is getting hitched!”
* * *
Somewhere in Manhattan, a flock of sheep appeared out of nowhere to clog up traffic. An ice sculpture in Boston depicting birds in flight came to life and headed south for the winter in April. In the Atlantic Ocean, a shark about to feast on an unaware surfer suddenly decided seaweed would be a much more nutritious choice. In Baltimore, a bunch of Maryland blue crabs revolted and began to steam the fisherman who was trying to catch them. In the nation’s capital, several state senators joined AA, and somewhere in the Midwest, a scientist on the brink of discovering cold fusion and solving the nation’s energy crisis suddenly decided to create a light beer that not only was less filling, but actually tasted great.
And in the middle of limbo, Entropy jerked upright in his bed, waking up in a cold, fearful sweat. “Feels like someone walking over my grave.” He shuddered.
“God,” Cali whimpered as she slouched further down in her seat. “I hate Mondays.”
* * *
“Do it, Uncle Al!” Pink begged prettily, his voice wobbling, as he turned on the canine persuasion, complete with puppy-dog eyes and pouty lips.
“You’re too old! I don’t…” Al looked down at his nephew from his throne, tossed his cell phone aside, and rose to his feet. “All right, you little imp!” He sighed. “I could never say no to you.”
Cali shook her head as she watched her pink-haired lover revert to a three year old at a gesture from this white-haired, short-statured God Of Death… and Chickens. “Do what?” she asked, leaning forward. “You’re not going to set those things loose, are you?” She eyeballed the muscle-bound chickens with something akin to disgust as Pink rose to his feet and clapped at his uncle’s agreement.
He had been petting the feathered, freaky things, cooing to them as if it were perfectly normal to have fanged, testosterone laden, silver-taloned attack poultry chained to one’s throne.
“Now! Now! Now!” Pink chanted, clapping his hands and sending colorful showers of lust dust over the evil-looking birds. It almost made Cali regret the baked chicken she’d consumed for lunch… almost.
“They had better not start humping the floor,” she grumbled to herself as Alothos stepped off his platform and descended to the carpet like the rest of the mere mortals in the room… okay– like her. Again, she was taken with how short but genuinely menacing Alothos appeared, especially with the whipping tail. That was a bit of devil lore one wouldn’t expect from the Lord of Chickens.
“Only this time, Pink,” the deep bass voice grumbled. “And only because it’s you.” Before Cali could ask again, Alothos raised his fisted hand, extended his middle finger towards the heavens, and wiggled it. All at once, raucous polka music filled the air.
“Yeah, Unckie Al!” Pink clapped, and Cali nearly fainted as the terrifying God of Death and Chickens wiggled his tail and proceeded to do the Chicken Dance.
With his hands imitating a chicken’s beak squawking, his arms flapping like the flightless bird, and his legs bending at the knees, making his rather pert butt and scary tail wobble to the beat of the music, the God of Death and Chickens tossed aside all pride and sense of decorum at a moment’s notice to make his nephew smile.
Maybe he wasn’t such a scary guy after all.
“All right!” Pink bellowed just before he ran over to stand beside his uncle, leaving the chickens to ineffectually hump at each other and the stone throne, his long pink skirt twitching as he too began to dance.
Cali, her sexual desire languishing unto death, watched her lover descend to the level of a two year old and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt another major headache coming on.
But she had to admit, Pink and Uncle Al looked rather cute wiggling and clapping together, doing that inane dance. Too bad the rest of his family wasn’t like his mother’s side, and she included Al in that group because he was engaged to Chaos. She groaned as she felt the fates laugh, those capricious bitches! She knew, just knew, that somehow this little visit was going to turn her ordered little world around once again.
Time for Your Rated R Hump Day Hump!
It’s time for YOur HUMP DAY HUMP! WOOT!