The Bare Necessitates

March 29th is the day that How Not to Date a Bear will be released.

So I thought I would take this time to explain a few things about bears.

First off, there are all types of Bears.  So lets start my giving a few definitions. Sounds good? We don’t want to start blind, here. That could be dangerous. Bears maul… not that such things aren’t fun, but we are here for educational purposes– really. Stop laughing.

The term Bear started in gay culture. That’s right ladies and gents. The gay community was hording… I mean classifying men as bears for some time now. Apparently it started with photographer Richard Bulger. He was so enamored of large, sometimes bearded hairy men that he started Bear Magazine in 1987, showcasing tales and erotic photos of some of my all time favorite type of man. This was the beginning of the Teddy Bear Community. I mean, who wouldn’t love to be hugged by a huge muscular hunk of a man who wants to comfort and cuddle you?

But it didn’t stop there! The community began to expand and soon there were so many subdivisions of bears that it seems impossible to name them all. But I thought I’d give it a shot. If I left a subdivision out, someone let me know. Flash does not want angry bears! She wants happy bears that she can pet and stroke and cuddle under huge muscular arms. She wants to feel the heat flowing from a massive chest as she burrows into a light coating of soft chest hair. She was to climb on top and ride…. Um… yeah… Subdivisions of Bears.

* Black Bear—a Bear of African-American decent or of darker toned skin. I see very few around here, but I am guessing that generally speaking, men of African American decent have less body hair.  But I had a Black friend in high school who had a full beard and all over body hair at twelve. I am guessing electric razors are his thing just to keep it neat. Gotta be rough with the scruff!

* Cub—a younger (or younger looking) version of a Bear, typically but not always with a smaller frame. The term is sometimes used to imply the passive partner in a relationship. A Cub or a Cubby can be hairy or hairless. I know a few cubs and I have to say it’s all about the attitude. I snuggle my cub friends as much as possible.  They are so cute and sweet and they make me feel all maternal.  Hugging a cub makes me feel happy. It bums me out when I have to give them back to their mommies or daddies… which leads me to….

* Daddy Bear—an older bear, sometimes looking for a daddy/son /daughter relationship with a younger man or woman. Or sometimes it’s a matter of size and attitude. I want a daddy bear to take care of me and keep me on the straight and narrow. Okay, I laughed at that last statement, but Daddy bears are hot! It’s the take charge I’m going to protect what’s mine attitude!  I like Daddy bears!  The Daddy Bears I know are awesome like that.

* Fuzzy Lumpkin—a red haired bear with a southern accent. Thanks Power Puff Girls. The term is supposed to stem from a character named Fuzzy Lumpkins.. Don’t know any Fuzzy Lumpkins, but if I did, I would be stripping them down to find hair patterns. Seriously, it’s hard to find a fit red headed males. Darn all those pagan rites that required burning of the red heads for fruitful harvests. Sniffle. So many shades of red lost.

* Grizzly Adams— a man with a typically hairy body and face who does not self identify as a bear but is attracted to bears. I wonder if there is a term for a females as well?

* Goldilocks—a female, often heterosexual, who is often in the company of bears. Now that is a group I need to find. We can trade notes!

* Leather bear—a bear with a leather fetish. Come to Mama! Leather and Bears go together like ham and burger, like Ice and tea! Like a tight harness and muscles that bulge around them. And speaking of muscles…

* Muscle bear—a muscular version of a Bear. A muscle cub is a younger or smaller, yet muscular, version. Declan in How Not to Date a Bear is in fact a Muscle Bear. He’s large, assertive, uber masculine, and Very protective. He also stands back when his woman is on a rampage. He likes all his body parts attached. But he will come out and offer back up as needed. He lives by the code– Happy Fate, Happy Mate!

* Otter—a man who is hairy, but is not large or stocky—typically thinner, swimmer’s build, or with lean muscle. I know one or two. Otters are neat to hang with.

* Panda Bear—a bear of Asian descent. That one was kind of self-explanatory I know, but I had to look up some Panda Bears for myself. Not a lot of them out there, but the ones who are… woof!

* Pocket Bear—a short Bear. I had a friend in College who was a Pocket Bear. Had the worst Napoleon Complex I have ever seen. He should have been called a wolverine.

* Polar Bear—a silver- or white-haired Bear. Yeah! I married one! Blonds typically have more hair than brunets. Which is why I wake up choking on stray hairs. And boy did that leave me open for speculation about my love life. And moving right along…

* Red Bear—a red-haired bear. Also known as a Ginger Bear. Note the lack of the Southern Accent that classifies a Fuzzy Lumpkin?  I am guessing a group of bears migrated up North… just for me! WOO HOO!

* Wolf—a term for Muscle Bear who is rugged outdoorsy or biker type.  Den would be a wolf but roughing it to him is a Motel 6 with no pool. LOL

 Next I thought we would start by isolating a few in their natural habitat so we can spy on them. Sounds like a plan? Awesome! Lets creep through the wilds of Cyber Space and stalk… I mean observe a few.

First up, The elusive Black Bear, Look at those lips, that chest—he’d make it hard to get away!

How about our Leather Bear? Woof! Hurt me Daddy!

Woof to our Muscle Bears!

And next week- You Got Him! Yeah! Congrads!  Isn’t He Worth the Bites and Scratches?  Now How to Groom and Care for your bear! Get Your Scrub Brushes Ready! It’s gonna get WET up in here!

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