Cause I love you all so much… here is another Hump for your day! How Not to Date a Bear Too… an unedited two chapters….
How Not To Date A Bear, Too!
Chapter 1
“Unnnn—that feels so good…”
Theodore Bazanov, Keeper of Heritage and second in command of the Great Bear Clan if Manitoba shifted his ass just soo and groaned in pleasure he could not hide.
His whole body shuddered as it hit the perfect stop. He squeezed his eyes closed and prayed he wouldn’t be too sore after, but this hardness, this thick mass… it was too good to stop. Almost there… almost there… almost–
“Ohh, look at what we have here—“
The lascivious tone made Theo’s eyes open with a snap, bringing him back to a sudden and angering awareness.
Snarling, he turned from the tree he was using to try and reach that infuriating itch in the small of his back, to glare at the-
What the hell?
It was female, that much he could make out.
But she—um… She had bright red hair that glowed in swirls and curls around her head, giving her an almost bloody halo in the noonday sun. Her skin was a strange orange tan color, the shade of some old leathers he once owned… usually a tone not found on healthy human skin. Her eyes were a vibrant unnatural blue that seemed to have laser intensity.
Something in him recoiled at the sight of her; his flight or fight instincts taking a definite turn for fight. For the first time in his life since he reached adulthood, Theo felt like prey and his bear didn’t like it one but.
He shuffled back, lumbering on two powerful hind legs, his black eyes never leaving the face of the she-beast who was moving closer.
“Come back, little bear.” She walled, waving her arms, her unnaturally large brass not swaying at all with her movements. Then her voice got deep, a unmistakable sexual overtone taking over. “I only want to pet you.”
Fuck no, he thought before he turned tail and ran. There was only so much a male in his position was supposed to put up with and degenerate middle-aged women were not part of the plan.
“I’m gonna get ya, catch ya,” she said merrily as she gave chase. “And then I’m gonna eat ya.”
Not if I can help it, his mind yowled as he sped up, putting more distance between him and the woman. How could she run so fast in five inch heels?
“Come back, little polar bear,” she panted, gaining ground. “I want to talk to you.”
Fuck no, his mind supplied and he doubled his speed once more.
But the she beast was not giving up. In her tight Capri pants and the red/orange lace tank top, she was gaining. She was moving so fast that her feet became a blur of crystal shoes and ten tiny lights from the red/orange toe nail polish she was sporting. She reached out for him, her fingernails like black talons and he suddenly broke right, hoping to dodge her.
“No fair!” she wailed, skidding to a halt, tossing up torn vegetation and soil into the air. “Momma doesn’t like her pets to play games.” The bitch wasn’t even out of breath.
Shaking his head in dismay, Theo raced ahead, using the small pause his sudden direction change had given her to extend the distance between the two of them. And still, she was not giving up.
“Frisky,” she growled, bending low, almost like a cartoon character or an animated ninja as she ran, rapidly closing the distance between he two ofß them.
Fuck this, his horrified mind screamed as he tossed off all façade of a real bear and began to use his preternatural strength.
His four paws pounded the ground, eating the terrain before him as he scouted the best place to run and hide. He was on Clan land so him using his bear abilities would not shock an of the natives.
“That’s my bear!” he heard and looked over his shoulder, agog as the strange female was catching up… in her high heels… and her blinding bright toenails.
He was so distracted by the sight that only instinct had him swirling around a figure that suddenly appeared before him.
He automatically dodged, nearly tripping over his hind legs as the man… beast… creature… mountie, his dwindling facilities supplied, jerked on his reins to control his rearing horse.
Oh, and what a mountie, he decided as he regained his balance and spied the man and horse.
He was beautiful, his long black hair flowing in the breeze like in some Hollywood western. This thighs, thick and muscular clamped down on the saddle as he rose to stand in the stirrups. His was rounded perfection and he could see the muscles strain under his tight red jacket.
Dark brown eyes held his for an impossibly long second when the earth seemed to stand still and…
“Fuzzy Wuzzy!”
The bitch was back,
He was about to pour on the speed and get out of dodge when a deep gravely voice halted him in his tracks.
“This is protected land. You do not belong here.”
Say what?
Theo spun around to see the Mountie placing himself between him and the crazy lade, stopping her in her tracks.
“What?”
“Protected land,” he spoke again, his horse dancing in agitation. “You don’t belong.”
“But I only wanted to pet him—“
“Ma’am, these are protected shifter lands. I am going to have to ask you to leave or bring you in on violation of Statute 557 of the Manitoba Shifter Agreement. The lands they hold are private and only with the proper authority may anyone other than the clan shifters of said land, be allowed to roam without impunity.”
And the crazy woman pouted.
“But I—“
“Get!” he snapped, leaning down to growl at her.
She got. She sniffed at the Mountie then turned on her heel, in a slow hog back the way she came.
Theo turned to look at his savior and felt his heat pound as the man winked at him before spinning around on his horse and riding off into the sunset.
Theo blinked his eyes and shook his head to clear it form any and all impure thoughts about naked horseback riding and its effect on the male ass before turning to lumber his way home.
The attack of the crazy lady was already fading from his mind as new fantasies involving leather and reins began to take hold. Maybe it was time for him to get laid?
Okay, that was the plan. He had been far too long in the company of Palm-etta and her five sisters. And now that Clan lands were established, the Clan Alpha was settled, and no one from he was some Theodore time.
He would get cleaned up and head out to a haunt he hadn’t seen in some time, the Bear With Me, club, have a little drink and maybe pick up a little something for his empty bed at home.
That plan firmly in mind, Theo moved faster towards the Clan House, ready to get his evening started right.
Chapter 2
“Archer,” Theo called out as he walked into Bear With Me, a grin on his face and a plan in mind. “I need vodka!”
Phase one of his plans, get pleasantly buzzed. He was due. He had made sure his assigned duties had been handled, his package form home would be arriving in two days, and it was time to, as they say in the States, get loose.
Phase two, find something fresh and tender to sink his teeth into. Screaming and crying optional, but he must be a hard fun ride.
“You seem like a man with a lot on his mind.” Theo leaned back against the bar as Archer walked over, a tall frozen glass in his hand. He placed the vodka beside him and leaned his elbows on the varnished wood bar top, staring at him intently. “Want to talk about it?”
“My day,” Theo wrinkled his nose and gestured wildly with his hands for a moment, before shaking his head and reaching for his glass. “It started out with business,” His Russian accent was growing more pronounced as he relaxed in his friend’s company. “Business is good.”
“No repercussions from the Great Clan?”
“We are a Great Clan, Archer,” he shook his head and lifted his glass to his lips and tossed back half the clear cold liquid. “We remain a Great Clan, just one removed from stupidity.”
“No word?”
“Bah,” he waved his hand. “They are too busy practicing gorilla warfare on each other. You fear they will come here?” She chuckled at Archer’s shrug, watching as his long tail of hair slid over his shoulder to pile on the bar. He had the pleasure of Archer’s company on more than one occasion. It was an easy complications free arrangement they had. And as sure as he was that Archer would be up for another go, he was looking for someone different. “They wish us well, but silently pray we will fail. We are the first branch of Great Polar Bears to leave so completely. We are what we are.”
“That’s good,” Archer relaxed, tossing his tail of hair behind him. For a moment, Theo was long in thoughts of how the man growled when that rope of hair was pulled just so.
“You worry we bring war to your doorstep?”
“Nah,” Archer turned his head and winked at him. “Just wondering if I was gonna have to call in more back up and a lot of handcuffs.”
“Handcuffs would be good,” Theo nodded. “Undoubtedly, all the bears no matter the breed would wind up here seeking pleasure. You would need more help to keep the liquid cheer flowing.”
“You are a mess,” Archer laughed, tossing back his head, letting the rich deep sound roll through the room, relaxing Theo even more.
“And I would make one of you, my friend, if I had not come here thinking to spread my wings a bit.
“Is that right?” Archer purred, leaning close enough that Theo could inhale the scent of his spicy cologne and the underlying scent of strong healthy male.
“You know I could,” Theo murmured softly, a growl rumbling thought his voice.
“Oh I know you can,” Archer leaned back, his face flushed as arousal began to flood his body. “But that is not what neither you or I want. And there is someone I want you to meet.”
“Hmm?” Theo tiled his head to the side, his long black hair spilling in a silken fall over his shoulders. “Someone new?”
“New to you,” Archer chuckled. “Richard!” he stood upright and called. Theo got a glimpse of a person turning towards them, brad shoulders, trim waist, hair neatly braided in a long tail that touched the healthy curve of a nicely rounded ass. To Theo, Archer continued, “My friend and fellow—“
“I know you are here and I am not leaving to I find you.”
Archer’s words were interrupted by the club’s door slamming open and Theo was almost blinded by a mass of red.
“Miss—“ one of the bouncers walked over, but the lady in question started waving a membership card like it was a weapon. “Back you. I know my Fuzzy Wuzzy is in here and I’m going to find him.”
Theo’s mouth dropped open as the woman began sniffing at the shocked men in the club.
It was the same red orange lace tank top, the same tight dusty white Capri’s… the click of five inch heels— It was the crazy lady from before.
“Fuzzy Wuzzy!” she called, invading more than a few people’s personal space as she called out.
“Fuck,” Theo whimpered. “Hide me!” He turned and grabbed Archer’s thick forearms. “Get me out of here. The back way—“
But it was too late. The woman jerked to a halt, her nose tilting in the air as if scenting him.
“There,” she growled and started moving towards him with purpose.
“What the hell?” Archer gasped, backing away from Theo as if suddenly his friend picked up a particularly noxious smell.
“Don’t leave me!” Theo nearly whimpered, pushing aside that he was the second in a Great Clan of Polar Bears. There was some things that his mental facilities could not take.
“Man, you are on your own.” Archer was struggling to get away. “I don’t do cougars.”
“Fuzzy!” She was now close enough for Theo to see the odd golden eyes that seemed to glow.
“Uh—“
“I found you,” she cackled, her eyes narrowing where she saw his hands gripping Archer desperately. “You are mine,”
“I don’t even know you,” Theo whimpered as Archer nearly knocked himself off his feet jerking away.
“I can change that.”
“But—“
“No buts, Fuzzy Wuzzy. It took me all day to track you down. You are not getting away that easy.”
She lunged and Theo’s flight or flight instinct kicked in hard. He broke right, dodging as the strange woman nearly stuck the bar in her eagerness to get to him.
“Stop playing hard to get and come to momma,” she purred, spinning around and pinning him with a glance.
Theo looked around and none of the men and women in the place were offering him safe haven. Half of them weren’t even paying attention to what was going on and those that were had cell phones at the ready, taking video of his utter humiliation.
He wanted to knock the bitch out and run away, but instincts regarding females were clear. If you do not want to engage, run away fast. His bear would allow him to do no harm to a female.
“Stop fighting sugar,” she leaped for him again, painted back nails looking like talons as she literally sprung at him.
Panicking, Theo grabbed the first warm body beside him and suddenly was grateful for the concept of a meat shield that playing so many videogames had instilled within him.
He ducked down and peeked around the leather clad shoulders just as a thick braid of hair slapped him in the face.
He looked up, shock on his face as he scented something unique and utterly delicious.
He slowly rose to his feet and peered around the body to see the face.
What a beautiful glorious face.
His cheekbones were high, his skin a very creamy tan, like someone had added a bucked of yellow cream to a vat of red earth and lovingly blended the two tones. A pair of deep brown eyes looked back at him and a slow smile spread across a set of deep rose lips.
He was leaning in closer, his eyes at half mast, sniffing like a hound dog and unashamed of it when he felt something painfully grip his arm.
He lurched back, human hands with bear claws extended, ready to swat away the thing that was causing him pain when he was blinded by red.
“Mine.” The crazy bitch had him in her grasp and there was no way he could shake her off without causing her harm. He was so screwed.