It's Time for you Hump Day Hump!!!

It’s time for you Hump Day Hump!!!
I have to post the first full chapter of How Not to Date a Bear, too! LOL I hurt myself laughing and I have to share! LOL
“Unnnn—that feels so good…”
Theodore Bazanov, Keeper of Heritage and second in command of the Great Bear Clan if Manitoba shifted his ass just soo and groaned in pleasure he could not hide.
His whole body shuddered as it hit the perfect stop. He squeezed his eyes closed and prayed he wouldn’t be too sore after, but this hardness, this thick mass… it was too good to stop. Almost there… almost there… almost–
“Ohh, look at what we have here—“
The lascivious tone made Theo’s eyes open with a snap, bringing him back to a sudden and angering awareness.
Snarling, he turned from the tree he was using to try and reach that infuriating itch in the small of his back, to glare at the-
What the hell?
It was female, that much he could make out.
But she—um… She had bright red hair that glowed in swirls and curls around her head, giving her an almost bloody halo in the noonday sun. Her skin was a strange orange tan color, the shade of some old leathers he once owned… usually a tone not found on healthy human skin. Her eyes were a vibrant unnatural blue that seemed to have laser intensity.
Something in him recoiled at the sight of her; his flight or fight instincts taking a definite turn for fight. For the first time in his life since he reached adulthood, Theo felt like prey and his bear didn’t like it one but.
He shuffled back, lumbering on two powerful hind legs, his black eyes never leaving the face of the she-beast who was moving closer.
“Come back, little bear.” She walled, waving her arms, her unnaturally large brass not swaying at all with her movements. Then her voice got deep, a unmistakable sexual overtone taking over. “I only want to pet you.”
Fuck no, he thought before he turned tail and ran. There was only so much a male in his position was supposed to put up with and degenerate middle-aged women were not part of the plan.
“I’m gonna get ya, catch ya,” she said merrily as she gave chase. “And then I’m gonna eat ya.”
Not if I can help it, his mind yowled as he sped up, putting more distance between him and the woman. How could she run so fast in five inch heels?
“Come back, little polar bear,” she panted, gaining ground. “I want to talk to you.”
Fuck no, his mind supplied and he doubled his speed once more.
But the she beast was not giving up. In her tight Capri pants and the red/orange lace tank top, she was gaining. She was moving so fast that her feet became a blur of crystal shoes and ten tiny lights from the red/orange toe nail polish she was sporting. She reached out for him, her fingernails like black talons and he suddenly broke right, hoping to dodge her.
“No fair!” she wailed, skidding to a halt, tossing up torn vegetation and soil into the air. “Momma doesn’t like her pets to play games.” The bitch wasn’t even out of breath.
Shaking his head in dismay, Theo raced ahead, using the small pause his sudden direction change had given her to extend the distance between the two of them. And still, she was not giving up.
“Frisky,” she growled, bending low, almost like a cartoon character or an animated ninja as she ran, rapidly closing the distance between he two ofß them.
Fuck this, his horrified mind screamed as he tossed off all façade of a real bear and began to use his preternatural strength.
His four paws pounded the ground, eating the terrain before him as he scouted the best place to run and hide. He was on Clan land so him using his bear abilities would not shock an of the natives.
“That’s my bear!” he heard and looked over his shoulder, agog as the strange female was catching up… in her high heels… and her blinding bright toenails.
He was so distracted by the sight that only instinct had him swirling around a figure that suddenly appeared before him.
He automatically dodged, nearly tripping over his hind legs as the man… beast… creature… mountie, his dwindling facilities supplied, jerked on his reins to control his rearing horse.
Oh, and what a mountie, he decided as he regained his balance and spied the man and horse.
He was beautiful, his long black hair flowing in the breeze like in some Hollywood western. This thighs, thick and muscular clamped down on the saddle as he rose to stand in the stirrups. His was rounded perfection and he could see the muscles strain under his tight red jacket.
Dark brown eyes held his for an impossibly long second when the earth seemed to stand still and…
“Fuzzy Wuzzy!”
The bitch was back,
He was about to pour on the speed and get out of dodge when a deep gravely voice halted him in his tracks.
“This is protected land. You do not belong here.”
Say what?
Theo spun around to see the Mountie placing himself between him and the crazy lade, stopping her in her tracks.
“Protected land,” he spoke again, his horse dancing in agitation. “You don’t belong.”
“But I only wanted to pet him—“
“Ma’am, these are protected shifter lands. I am going to have to ask you to leave or bring you in on violation of Statute 557 of the Manitoba Shifter Agreement. The lands they hold are private and only with the proper authority may anyone other than the clan shifters of said land, be allowed to roam without impunity.”
And the crazy woman pouted.
“But I—“
“Get!” he snapped, leaning down to growl at her.
She got. She sniffed at the Mountie then turned on her heel, in a slow hog back the way she came.
Theo turned to look at his savior and felt his heat pound as the man winked at him before spinning around on his horse and riding off into the sunset.
Theo blinked his eyes and shook his head to clear it form any and all impure thoughts about naked horseback riding and its effect on the male ass before turning to lumber his way home.
The attack of the crazy lady was already fading from his mind as new fantasies involving leather and reins began to take hold. Maybe it was time for him to get laid?
Okay, that was the plan. He had been far too long in the company of Palm-etta and her five sisters. And now that Clan lands were established, the Clan Alpha was settled, and no one from he was some Theodore time.
He would get cleaned up and head out to a haunt he hadn’t seen in some time, the Bear With Me, club, have a little drink and maybe pick up a little something for his empty bed at home.
That plan firmly in mind, Theo moved faster towards the Clan House, ready to get his evening started right.